Men Tell Women How To Play Women's AFL

AFL football operations boss Steve Hocking has sent a memo to the eight AFLW clubs pleading with them to increase the spectacle of women's footy.

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Concerns have been raised by men on talkback radio that the AFLW isn't very good because women aren't very good.

Others have contended, however, that since there has only been 33 games of women's professional footy, the standard can not be the same as men's AFL and it is ridiculous to expect that.

As one observer noted, "I'm not sure the men's game in the 1870s was too crash hot."

The Hocking memo called for AFLW clubs to insist on keeping players in virtual zones on the oval, a request never asked of men's AFL team, not even of Ross Lyon.

It Lasted 4 Hours, But Super Bowl LII Was Pretty Good

The biggest event in American television concluded today with the Philadelphia Eagles defeating the New England Patriots 41-33.

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The game began almost perfectly for the Eagles as they drove 14 plays for 67 yards, whatever that means.

The Eagles scored first, with a 34-yard touchdown, but both teams kept scoring field goals, utilising their feet in a game commonly called football.

The score was 15-12 the Eagles way at half-time, which meant the Patriots were in the box seat, having come back from 18 points down last year's super bowl to win.

But it wasn't to be. In the final moments, the Eagles' Brandon Graham sacked (???) Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady which saw the Eagles gain possession of the ball and ultimately triumphed.

Also, Justin Timberlake performed at half-time to coincide with the release of his new album.

Even Staunch AFL Fans Not Keen On AFLX

Despite having the most successful football code in the country, a testament considering only one country on Earth actually plays it, the AFL is determined to change everything.

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Before the start of the season proper in March, the AFL will trial a new concept - AFLX. It is an abbreviated version of Australian Rules football, played in two 10-minute halves on a rectangular pitch instead of an oval.

Nobody is keen. It is only 12 months since the launch of the AFLW, whose popularity is only growing.

Trevor Topsfield is a loyal North Melbourne member, whose parents signed him up the day he was born.

"It's a bunch of elite athletes playing kick to kick," is how Topsfield describes it. "There has only been one abbreviated sport that has been successful and that's cricket. Why? Because one version of cricket goes for five days and the other goes for 8 hours.

"Footy is fine," Topsfield insists.

Keyboard Warriors Stunned As Kurt Tippet Retires From AFL

Manboys all over the Internet have today been stunned by the stunning news that Sydney Swans player Kurt Tippett has retired from the AFL, effective immediately.

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Tippett says that "the reality is that my body isn't going to stand up to the rigors of professional football."

Tippett was a high-profile whipping boy for keyboard warriors who follow AFL. Anonymous egg accounts on Twitter were constantly laying the boot into him.

One egg account announced it was "dismayed" that Tippett had retired, and wondered who "AFL fans will whinge about now?"

Tennis' 3 Diehard Fans Savoring Start Of Open

Jesinta Marks, Vicky Hedwig and Jason Power are names nobody has ever hard of, but they are the biggest fans of tennis in Australia.

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The beginning of the Australian Open today, one of the four major tennis tournaments, is bigger than Christmas, Easter and New Year's Eve combined.

"There is nothing more exciting that tennis, let me guarantee you that!" Power told The Seagull.

"I can never sleep on the Sunday night before the tournament kicks off," said Hedwig. "The anticipation is indescribable!"

Whilst most Australian's will pause for a few minutes on the tennis during an evening of channel surfing, these three will be recording each and every match, as well as attending the men's and women's finals.

"We don't attend as many games as we used to because officials kept warning us about our boisterous behaviour," said Marks. "We can't help it if we're passionate! Tennis Australia should be encouraging more people like us!"

England Camp Trying To Seed Clouds To Save Ashes

With Australia in an overwhelmingly dominant position to reclaim the Ashes today there have been rumours that the English side is literally trying to make it rain.

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Cloud seeding involves dispersing chemicals, usually silver iodide, into the atmosphere to induce precipitation, i.e. rain.

Academic research has shown that cloud seeding statistically does not work. But England's chances are so low that some see it as worth a shot.

If the rains come in Perth today and wash out the match then England still has a chance to tie the series and hold on to the Urn.

Pro Cyclists Running Out Of Own Feet To Shoot At

As the news broke today that four-time Tour de France winner Chris Froome had failed a drug test, many people are asking why professional cyclists are determined to destroy their own sport.

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From Lance Armstrong to Floyd Landis to Alberto Contador, the sport is riddled with high-profile, successful riders who are drug cheats.

Froome's British team Sky were created to be a completely clean cycling team. "There’s no place for drugs in the sport and we like to think that we’re at the forefront of trying to promote clean cycling," Sky's boss once told The Guardian.

Now, once again, the sport is in disarray. Turns out riding a bike is more complicated than it seems.

Aussie Fans Now Arguing Online About England Team

After Australia comfortably won the first two Tests in the Ashes, Aussie cricket fans have taken to commenting about the selection of England's Test team.

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Weird, huh? Australians can now combine two their favourite past times - slagging off England and haranguing cricket selectors.

"If England pick the same side then they'll get the same result," wrote George Mitchell on Facebook. He added, "Let's face it, England are only going to win if Australia lose. They only came close in Adelaide because of some poor batting."

The erudite examinations continued on another thread. Wrote Steven May, "Any England XI won't win. An England XV might..."

It's a notable change from just a few weeks ago where there was more than a few "WTF?" moments after Australian selectors chose Shaun Marsh and Tim Paine.

Now the conversation about Australia's side is simply where should the incredible talented Pat Cummins bat, considering his stellar run this series.

All Of AFL Community Laughing At Gold Coast Suns

The entire AFL community is laughing at the Gold Coast "Football Club" (Franchise) today as the northern club lost out big time in trade week.

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(It was rumoured that even AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan was heard having a chuckle at AFL House across the road from Etihad Stadium where trading was taking place.)

Gold Coast had stated earlier this year that Gary Ablett was a contracted player and would not be traded, which then changed to Gary Ablett would only be traded to Geelong for a player in return, to accepting a trade for draft picks.

But not only that Gold Coast gave pick 24 to Geelong as well. All this for pick 19 and a second round pick next year.

Then, Gold Coast gave up pick 2 in this years draft (for Lachie Weller) in surely the biggest "Fuck you!" to a rookie coach (Stuart Dew) in the history of AFL and all competitive sport ever.

As one Geelong fan said, "You only ever get one Gold Coast!"

Betting 9 Times A Day Too Much

Ronald Lovfefe is an avid punter. Each week he drops $100 into his Sportsbet account to punt on the footy. He is adamant he is "quite good."

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"It's just a bit of fun. I don't take it too seriously, because once you do then you start going down the rabbit hole.

"I punt on footy, and I like outrageous bets like first goal scorer and most touches. It gives me something to think about over the weekend when there's nine games of footy."

But since the AFL season has ended, Ronald has found his weekly punting far to challenging.

"Horse racing is just ridiculous - there's 9 races a day. I don't have time to process all the information. It's not fun."

The Seagull asked whether Ronald's simple punting had now turned into gambling.

"Yeah, but I'm responsible."

Yearly Media Focus On Supercars As Bathurst 1000 Arrives

As the elite athletes of Supercars gear up for the most important race in the Southern Hemisphere, the Australian media finally turns its focus toward them.

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More than 100,000 Australians will attend the four-day event at the Mount Panorama circuit, one of the world's most grueling and unforgiving racetracks.

And the media will cover it, or at lease pay Australian Associated Press for their coverage.

As longtime Supercars fan Richard Wright says, "You're lucky to get more than five seconds of coverage on the Sunday night sports wrap up on TV news bulletins. But when Bathurst rolls around, there might even be a full two minute report."

Hundreds of thousands of Australians watch Supercars events at circuits or on TV every year, but you wouldn't know it.

AFL Fan Gears UP For Trade Period

Most AFL fans are still swept up in the yellow and black fever of Richmond's first flag for 37 years, but not Trevor Tallent. He's got trade fever.

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"This is the most important part of the season. This is where the real pre-season begins," says Trevor.

Trevor is speaking of the Trade and Free Agency Period, which runs from October 9 to 19, where the clubs gather to nut out deals for player draft pick swaps.

Says Trevor: "Adelaide's 2018 season starts now - they've already got Jake Lever on the move, and maybe a few others from what I'm hearing on the radio. They can't afford to wallow in self-pity."

Trevor is among the growing number of... aficionados... of the AFL Trade Period. The AFL officially runs a daylong online radio stream for... aficionados.

But the talkback lines of Melbourn's premier footy stations SEN and Triple M all run hot with trade talk.

Whenever a player moves, you know Trevor will know before the player knows.

Dilemma Of Neutral Footy Fan Sympathetic To Tigers

Roy Havel is a North Melbourne supporter who knows what it's like to experience the highs and lows of an AFL Grand Final.

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"I was there is '98 when we lost, but also in '99 when we won. You go from complete devastation to delirious joy."

Whilst Roy is generally supportive of Richmond, he knows that should they prevail over the Adelaide Crows then all of their supporters will become unbearable.

"Every team's supporters do it, they become obnoxious. But more so when that club hasn't played in a granny for 35 years.

"They'll have to declare martial law in Swan Street, Richmond I think. It will be nuts."

And what about Roy supporting the Crows? Not a chance.

"Adelaide? We let them into our competition and they've still got a chip on their shoulder. All these interstate sides do. Bugger 'em!"

Dog Scurries Off NFL Field After Trump's Tirade

Jerry, a huge and muscular American pitbull, and a good boy, was sent packing from an NFL game on Sunday between the Steelers and the Bears.

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Jerry belongs to Suzy Graham, one of the media advisors for the Pittsburgh Steelers, and is frequently seen on the sidelines of Steelers' games.

Graham had just begun an informal press conference when a reporter repeated Donald Trump's assertion that a kneeling player was a "son of a bitch" and should get "off the field." Jerry heard this an instantly bolted for the change rooms.

He was found 30 minutes later.

Graham was shocked. "Jerry should never feel like a stranger in his own country. He should have the freedom to do what he wants."

AFL Criticised For Colour Of Logo

Twice in two days the AFL has come under fire for its logo. This time critics have criticised the blue colour.

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"It's some common, everyone's got blue and red," wrote Damo on an AFL internet website forum.

"They're just copying what everyone else does," wrote Killa23. "The NBA, the NFL, the MLB, it's just a rehash."

Yesterday some backward folks criticised the AFL for freely participating in the public debate over whether to legalise same-sex marriage, a debate for which No campaigners had campaigned hard.

They complained that the AFL should not be involving itself in political issues, just like racism, gender equality and alcohol abuse.

Swans Fans Adamant Buddy Flag Is Coming

Sydney Swans fan Peter O'Toole is adamant that a premiership team featuring Buddy Franklin is not far off.

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The Swans have played in two grand finals for two losses since Franklin made the trip north to Sydney at the end of 2012.

Now, with the Swans exiting the finals in just week two, many commentators in the media have commentated that perhaps the Buddy deal was not worth it.

"Halfway through the nine-year, $10 million dollar deal, and what have the Swans got to show for it?" Asked Garry Torksalott on SEN radio this morning.

But for a diehard Bloods supporter like O'Toole, all that radio filler is just white noise.

"You look at the way Buddy has performed throughout his Swans career - he's been magnificent, especially in finals. Gary Rohan on the other hand...

"The real question is why are we paying $900,000 a year for Kurt Tippett to play in the NEAFL?"

Collingwood Gears Up For Higher Draft Picks As Buckley Stays

Collingwood Magpies FC have confirmed they are in a long-term rebuild as they plan for the future with higher draft picks over the next two years.

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At a press conference today President Eddie McGuire announced that Nathan Buckley would be reappointed coach for a further two seasons.

The Magpies's results under Buckley's reign have deteriorated each season and the club has not made the finals since 2013.

However, the plan to keep the underperforming Buckley means the club will have a better shot at securing higher draft picks in the following years, which is good strategy considering next year's draft is highly rated.

LGBTI Can't Marry But Two Dudes Can Beat The Shit Out Of Each Other

The dumbest sport known to Earth will be on full display this weekend as Floyd Mayweather and Connor Macgregor box each other.

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Whilst boxing is not considered as violent and weird as the upstart Ultimate Fighting Championship, it is still predicated on the joy gained from repeatedly punching someone in the head.

Do that on the weekend outside the pub and you're a low-life. Do it inside a (square) ring half-naked and you're a sportsman.

And two people of the same sex who love each other still cannot get married, which is an act that involves zero violence and zero harm to anyone else.

Jamie Whincup "Still A Dick"

At Eastern Creek Raceway yesterday, Jame Whincup won his 106th race in the Supercars championship, making him the most successful driver in the category's history, but most drivers still see him as a dick.

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"Good driver, but still a dick," said long-time rival Mark Winterbottom.

"I hear they get a new custom-made helmet made each year to deal with his ego," said another driver. "I wonder what they'll do now."

Even die-hard Ford fans have major antipathy to a driver who brought the Blue Oval a fair few Bathurst and Championship victories.

"Skaifey even seems a pleasant guy compared to Whincup and [his team] Triple Eight," said Davo, a Ford fanatic. "Team boss Roland Dane is about a pleasant as a mouthful of glass washed down with acid.

"He and his team are always whingeing. They're always sooking to the stewards about something."

 

 

Deputy PM Unsure Who To Support In Bledisloe Cup

This Saturday night Australia plays (ha!) New Zealand in the Bledisloe Cup in a game of rugby union. Nobody cares.

Well, maybe a few private school boys and alums in NSW and Queensland. Rugby union is something of a black hole at the moment in Australia. They just axed one of their own teams in the Super Rugby competition.

However, Deputy Prime Minister and Member for New England and leader of the National Party of Australia, Barnaby Joyce, who has recently disclosed he is a citizen of New Zealand, is torn between who he should support.

The leader of the National Party of Australia, a citizen of New Zealand until yesterday, has often worn Wallabies gear when in public. But now he might be back in black this Saturday.