Purple Hair Dye Supplies Run Low In Outer Suburbs

Reports are emerging of a drastic shortage of purple hair dye in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, with supplies being flown in from Sydney.

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The shortage is due to the number of middle-aged women opting for a small streak of purple in their new do.

A hairdresser in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retaliation, said there was no reason to panic.

"We're in the middle of a spike of purple streaks at the moment," the hairdresser told The Seagull. "80% of women who get purple will only do it once.

"It's simply a hot trend right now."

Highest Form Of Debate Returns With Question Time

The outstanding public displays of debate in Australian parliament were back on show today with the return of question time.

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We had Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull mocking Opposition Leader Bill Shorten's push for a national anti-corruption body, Treasurer Scott Morrison ignoring questions about why he misled Australia about the government's advice on negative gearing, and Health Minister defending the government's plan to give multi-billion dollar tax cuts to private health insurers.

Stirling stuff.

 

Country Bakery Admits It Doesn't Have Nation's Best Vanilla Slice

In a refreshing moment of honesty, Wingdon Bakery & Cafe has publicly declared that it doesn't have the best vanilla slice in the country.

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It seems you can't swing a cat outside metropolitan Australia without some country bakery proudly claiming it has the best vanilla slice. But not for Wingdon.

"It's a good vanilla slice, don't get me wrong," says bakery owner Betty. "But let's be honest - it's not going to win any awards. Theres's a lot of stiff competition out there.

"Our coffee scrolls though, they are top notch!"

Turnbull Wants The World To Kill People "The Aussie Way"

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has outlined an aggressive plan for Australia to become one of the top 10 arms exporters.

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The leader of the Liberal Party, which turned its back on the local car manufacturing industry and neutered the local solar and wind power industries, says the plan will "create more jobs for Australian businesses."

"The world loves Australia. It loves our people, our beaches, our animals and our food. Now we want it to love our guns," Turnbull said.

Australia currently ranks 20th as an arms exporter, but there is potential for cash money in Asia and the Middle-East.

Western-led coalitions have invaded and bombed a number of Middle-Eastern countries over the last few decades, and this "instability" has seen a rise in arms sales across the entire globe.

This "instability" has also created religious extremist violence in Australia, the United States and Britain, but Turnbull says that's a price worth paying.

"When soldiers and militants pull the trigger, we want them to pull the Aussie way."

Local Woman Organises Bevvies After Invasion Day Protest

The 26th of January, officially known as Australia Day and unofficially as Invasion Day, is a momentous day in the history of Australia.

And Gertrude Greiner is going to commemorate all sides.

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"Commemorate, not celebrate, that's the key," says Greiner. "All of us need to recognise what the 26th of January recognises - it is the beginning of the dispossession of the Indigenous people of Australia.

"I'll be attending the protests in Melbourne and showing my support to the First Peoples of this land.

"But, also, we have to commemorate the wonderful nation that Australia is today. We are a vibrant, dynamic, mulitcultural success story. And we should be proud of that."

So how will Greiner and her friends be "commemorating" Australia Day?

"A BBQ of course," says Greiner. "We'll have a few beers too as we reflect upon our history."

Local Woman Blocks Third Friend Request From School Classmate This Week

Megan Kim doesn't understand why all these people who weren't nice to her in high school suddenly want to be her friend on Facebook.

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Yesterday she rejected Georgina, a woman with which she went to high school.  It's the third rejection she's handed out this week.

"Just because Facebook is on the Internet, it doesn't mean it's not a real friendship," Megan says. "I see no difference between online and real life."

Megan's experience reflects those of the typical avocado-eating millennial who only experienced social media after the end of high school.

Many of these people think they have some sort of bond with schoolmates when the reality is that they are deluded.

"I only have a small number of friends on Facebook, relatively speaking, of about 60 people. I don't need to add you because we did Home Eco in Year 8.

"Some of these people used to bully me  - one of them called me an "emo slut" because I wore black clothes! Why would I suddenly want to be your friend now?"

Disease Also Good For Indigenous Australians: Abbott

In an addendum to his comments with one of the finest radio presenters the world has ever seen - Ray Hadley - former Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that disease was also good for Indigenous Australians.

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On Twitter, Abbott wrote: "On balance, disease made Indigenous Australians tougher. Once their bodies had calibrated, they were ready for the modern world."

Abbott then tweeted: "Just like a child who plays in the dirt and gets exposed to all sorts of things and develops a resistance, so too were the Indigenous Australians with European settlement."

The unexpected tweet was an addition to his radio comments this morning where he said: "What happened on the 26th of January 1788 was on balance, for everyone - Aboriginal people included - a good thing because it brought Western civilisation to this country, it brought Australia into the modern world."

The comments are not expected to go down well.

 

Psychic's Prediction Of Hot Melbourne Weather In January Comes True

A local psychic, Melinda Hauter, has been proven correct with her prediction that Melbourne would experience extremely hot weather in mid-January.

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Last year, when Hauter made her predictions, meteorologists dismissed the claims as lacking in basis in science.

"To make predictions of 40 degree heat on specific days is just ridiculous," said Jonathon Mentha in August last year. "Predicting seven days out is hard enough, believe me!"

It is the second time in a year that a Hauter prediction has come true - in April she predicted New Zealand to retain the Bledisloe Cup.

 

Government Puts Price Controls On Private Health Insurance Providers

In another sign of the malignant march of socialism into Western governments, the Australian Federal government today announced it would force private health providers to keep premium increases below 4%.

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This figure will be the lowest average increase since 2001. Premiums rose by an average of 5.6% every year since 2010. The price controls will likely affect profits made by private health providers.

It is well known that private health providers provide way, way better outcomes for customers than the public Medicare system. Also, just like the banks, private health providers provide excellent returns for shareholders, which most Australians would also be due to their superannuation funds.

The pro-freedom and pro-market think tank Institute for Public Affairs has savaged the proposed price controls on private health providers. "It's an attack on the freedom of Australians to choose to which business they want to give away their money," said IPA fellow Phil Klosch.

Couple Denied Permit To Build Single-Storey House In Eltham

Eltham couple Joanna and Terry Williams have been denied a building permit for a single-storey dwelling by the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal today.

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The shock decision has surprised legal experts who have been left dumbfounded by VCAT's ruling.

The WIlliams' planned to knocked down a double-storey house located on Arthur Street but were denied approval because the new dwelling would not fit in with the visual aesthetics of the wealthy suburb.

Outside VCAT, local Councillor John St. John Fitzgerald hailed the decision as a victory for Eltham residents.

"Every house in Eltham is a double or triple-storey dwelling and we don't want that to disappear," Fitzgerald said.

When asked if the decision reeked of NIMBYism, Fitzgerald replied: "Of course! NIMBY was invented in Eltham, you know!"

Eastern Suburbs' Shit Themselves As Bikies and African Gangs Consider Merging

A shiver has run through the collective spine of the Eastern Suburbs of Melbourne as rumours swirl that unnamed bikie gangs and African gangs have considered merging.

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Whilst bikies generally prefer to keep a low profile and insist their organisations are merely places for motorcycle enthusiasts to gather, the so-called African gangs are happy to jump in the media spotlight.

"There's no knowing where this could end up, except on our front page," an anonymous Herald Sun reporter told The Seagull. "This Wednesday we'll be including a 32-page liftout on the gang crisis!"

As citizens have been too afraid to go out for dinner due to the gang crisis, the crisis has been a boon for Uber Eats and Deliveroo, not to mention Domino's.

Cable Ties Back In Stock After Magpie Season

As 2017 draws to a close there is good news for home handypeople and bank robbers everywhere - cable ties are back in stock.

Cable ties are a popular method of resisting harassment from swooping magpies; people ties them on to their helmets or hats to stop magpie attacks.

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The months of September and October are when new magpies are born and the parent magpies become fiercely protective, even aggressive. They will swoop down to harass unsuspecting passers-by.

The most common victims are cyclists, which isn't a big deal, and people who feel the need to share every minute detail of their lives on Facebook.

"It gets worse every year," says Darren Hester, a tradie. "I just wanna tie some wood up on me reno at home, but these flamin' cyclists clear out all the cable ties!"

Rest easy Darren. Your precious cable ties have returned.

Note: an earlier version of this story used the term "dive-bombing" instead of "swooping." The term dive-bombing is a NSW expression and is a dumb thing to say.

Muslims Glad Straight White Dudes Taking The Heat

In what seems to be a never-ending story of Hollywood proportions, another politician has been accused of sexual misconduct.

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Melbourne Lord Mayor Robert Doyle has been accused of sexually harassing and groping former councillor Tessa Sullivan. Cr Doyle has taken one month's leave while the claims are investigated.

Whilst the news is a blow for straight white men everywhere, the development continues a period of good fortune for Australia's Muslims after a dreadful run in the media.

"We are cautiously optimistic, but hopefully we will witness the narrative changing so that people will see just bad apples in the Muslim community, rather than suspeecting all of us being terrorists," Ahmed al-Khalil, from the Australian Islamic Association, told The Seagull.

"It only takes one boneheaded comment from Pauline Hanson and we'll be back on the front pages of The Australian again, so we will wait and see."

With Banking Apps, Has The Thrill Disappeared For Rich People?

There are so many ways guides to happiness in the 21st century, but the truest and most accurate measure is how much money one has.

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Obviously the more you have the happier you will be. Anybody who says "money can't buy happiness" has either never had money or never been truly happy.

But is the thrill and the excitement still there?

Now one can check one's bank accounts in a matter of seconds. It's so simple. Where is the challenge of counting all the notes stashed in your huge safe, or going to the bank branch to check what's in your safety deposit box, or visiting your accountant or stockbroker to receive updates on your portfolio?

Is this the reason why bitcoin is surging? Is it simply a way for rich people to find the thrill in money once again?

Muslims Glad Chinese Are Taking Heat At The Moment

The current Sinophobia racing through the Australian political landscape at the moment has a silver lining for one community and no, it's not Indigenous Australians, for they are always ignored.

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The Muslim community is breathing a little easier these days since the damaging stories about NSW Labor Senator Sam Dastyari's endorsement of China's territorial claims in the South China Sea, which is against his own party's policy and the policy of the Australian government, and his shady dealings with a Chinese businessman.

Ahmed al-Khalil, from the Australian Islamic Association, is looking very relaxed, smiling even. He tells The Seagull, "It's been a rough couple of... decades, let's be honest."

"Every time a bomb goes off you know the media and the comments on social media are going to be horrendous. Australia, for all its quirks, is the land of the fair go. Now they are targeting the Chinese.

"Who says Australians don't support equality?"

Mustang Driver Confirms Wanker Status With Personalised Plate

Derek Hindson, a 42 year old signwriter from Keilor, loves his Ford Mustang.

"It's a beast! Just look at it!" Hindson excitedly told The Seagull.

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Hindson was one of the first owners of the sixth generation Mustang when they became available in Australia. There was reportedly a six-month waiting period at one stage due to popularity of the car.

Like most men obsessed with their cars, Hindson had no issue with forking out the hundreds of dollars necessary to buy a personalised registration plate.

Said Hindson: "This isn't an ordinary car. You have to show people why it's so much better than theirs."

Guardian Editors Await Their Walkely For Bird Poll

Editors at The Guardian website will have to wait nearly a year to find out if their Bird of the Year 2017 poll news coverage will win them a swag of Walkely awards.

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The winner of the 2017 edition was the Magpie, the bird equivalent of the Australian person, which viciously attacks people that look different to them and who dare to enter "their" territory.

The Walkelys are awarded to Australian journalists and news organisations for outstanding achievements in the field of journalism, or what passes for it these days.

The Bird of the Year poll is conducted every year by BirdLife Australia, but it is the first time they have teamed up with The Guardian, ostensibly to gain more clicks on the internet.

During the poll, irregularities were found with voting for certain birds, which led to the discovery of an automated bot casting votes. The Guardian's fearless journalists uncovered these disgraceful attempts to undermine the democratic process.

The results also showed the inherent problem with giving ordinary people the right to vote - demonstrated terrifically by Brexit and Donald Trump - with the Eclectus Parrot receiving only 24 votes.