Nasty Chemicals To Receive Behavioural Training

For the first time, a team of scientists and psychologists at Australia’s CSIRO will begin a world-first study to retrain the behaviour of nasty chemicals.

The team will focus on three main chemicals that have been claimed to cause problems for human beings: BPA, parabens, and triclosans.

The study was given the go-ahead after an online petition on internet website change.org was set up by concerned parents from the town of Mullumbimby in northern New South Wales.

BPA, short for Bisphenol A, is an organic synthetic compound, used to make certain plastic and epoxy resins. It is most commonly used in food storage devices.

Parabens are a class of widely used preservatives in cosmetic and pharmaceutical products. Triclosan is an anti-fungal and anti-bacterial agent commonly found is soaps, detergents and toys.

Numerous studies into the chemicals have shown there is no conclusive data that any of them cause cancer, particularly breast cancer.

Dr Reg Haythornthwaite, the leader of the study, is excited by the project. “I am literally over the fucking moon.

“Not only do I have to spend the next six months keeping these very delicate substances in a highly quarantined area, I get to listen to psychologists giving them cognitive behavioural therapy.

“I suppose the upside is that these weirdos from Mullumbimby, who have vaccination rates similar to those of South Sudan, will learn that these so-called nasty chemicals aren’t really that nasty.”