Dodgy Driver Who Overslept Takes Bus Lane Up Mickleham Road

John Fitzwilliams, an accountant from Greenvale, made no apologies today as The Seagull confronted him with footage he had illegally drove in the bus lane up Mickleham Road.

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"I make no apologies," Fitzwilliams said.

Fitzwilliams is one of a number of growing drivers who resort to using the bus lane during the morning peak hour traffic.

"Mickleham Road is extremely congested every morning," says Robbie Swain, a local. "I think they need to put a tunnel under it. Tunnels fix everything. Look at the West Gate Tunnel or the new North-East Link."

Bus drivers are becoming frustrated with the situation too, saying the heavy traffic and continuing roadworks are creating the perfect storm.

"I'm very frustrated," says Leo, a bus driver. "There's a lot of roadworks."

Joss Whedon To Make "Uber Feminist" Film

Inspired by the recent success of Mad Max: Fury Road and the continued critically acclaimed Netflix show Orange Is The New Black, Joss Whedon has announced he is making an “uber feminist” film.

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Whedon’s ex-wife Kai Cole recently spoke out against her former husband and his well-publicised claims of being a feminist and advocate for women after he confessed to her of multiple affairs during their marriage.

Last year, after criticism from many critics and fans over the portrayal of Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff in Avengers: Age Of Ultron, Whedon insisted he did not quit Twitter because of “militant feminists,” calling those claims “horseshit.”

However, Whedon has now decided that the allure of such a film is too strong to ignore. “When you see something like Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood, you just can’t help but get excited.”

Sources close to the writer/director say he will call on the expertise of notable women like Margaret Atwood, Beyonce, Emma Watson, Angelina Jolie, Lena Dunham and, of course, Taylor Swift.

Paedophiles' Rights Under Threat: Abbott

Former prime minister Tony Abbott has continued his crusade against "so-called" political correctness, this time attacking the Royal Commission into Child Sexual Abuse.

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As the Commission collates the evidence and prepares to hand down its findings in December, it has recommended that priests face punishment should they fail to notify authorities if someone confesses to them that they have attacked a child.

Abbott declared this a "chilling attack on religious freedom." 

"All religious institutions must be protected against state subversion and be allowed to run their operations without interference," the onion eater said.

The Seagull spoke to two male men on two different ends of the spectrum. Ahmed, an Islamic Muslim from WESTERN SYDNEY, was confused by Abbott.

"Is he saying that Muslims can follow their religion to its core, so, like allowing polygamy?"

The other male man, convicted paedophile Robert Burns, was relieved by Abbott's intervention.

"When I'm released, it means I can commit more crimes and soothe my soul at church the next day, knowing full well the Liberal Party is protecting me from oppression.

The Seagull contacted Tony Abbott for comment.

The Wiggles Accused Of Peddling Vegan Agenda

Federal Liberal National MP George Christensen has accused The Wiggles of “peddling a vegan agenda” to children with its hit songs such as “Hot Potato” and “Fruit Salad.”

Mr Christensen, who famously made the formerly progressive Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull gut the Safe Schools anti-bullying program, says The Wiggles’ songs were “indoctrinating” children.

“I don’t want the children of Australia to grow up to believe that the only things worth eating are fruit salad and hot potatoes,” Mr Christensen said. “And definitely not cold spaghetti.”

“Australian parents must wake up to the fact that vegans use insidious methods to convert people to their self-righteous ways,” Mr Christensen added.

“Hot Potato” and “Fruit Salad” are songs from The Wiggles’ 1994 album Yummy Yummy. Over their career, The Wiggles have earned several Platinum, Double Platinum and Multi-Platinum records, as well as selling 23 million DVDs and 7 million CDs, and have performed, on average, to one million people per year.

The Wiggles were listed at the top of Business Review Weekly's top-earning Australian entertainers four years in a row, and earned $45 million in 2009.

Despite containing only 13 different words, “Hot Potato” could be used by vegans to indoctrinate children against eating dead animals, Mr Christensen said.

The Seagull asked Mr Christensen whether potatoes, fruit and spaghetti could be part of a balanced diet.

“Sure,” Mr Christensen said. “But do you see any balance? I don’t. Where’s the beef? All I see is the progressive plant agenda.”

Racist Hipsters Go Centrist, Saying Nazism Is Too Mainstream

A group of American racist hipsters have decided to ditch alt-right and white nationalism after the terrorist attack in Charlottesville, Virginia, saying it "is too mainstream."

The storm continues to rage in America this week, especially since President Donald Trump keeps flip-flopping on whether Nazis are evil or "very fine people."

"It's just a mess," said Hank Smith, a labourer from North Carolina. "We knew things were different once Stephen Bannon got into the White House, but now it's just gone too far.

"I mean, these guys were chanting 'Jews will not replace us.' That sort of talk would only happen at secret meetings, but now that Trump accepts that it means it's too popular."

Smith was frustrated at society's acceptance, even embrace of antisemitism and racism.

"To be warmly accepted when you're a rogue outlier of society is not something we want frankly. I'm going to register as an Independent."

Top 10 Tips On How To Avoid Clickbait Articles

Are you sick and tired of being sucked into those superfluous reams of text that offer nothing of value and only reel you in through manipulative headlines? Are you sick of seeing something about Taylor Swift? Are you tired of reading about ‘our fave celebs’ in some meaningless top 10 list? Do you loathe Mamamia’s grip on your life? Well here, at last, at The Seagull we’ll throw 10 top tips your way to avoid those clickbait cliches.

  1. Get Clash of Titans. Or any game for your phone. Preferably not a betting one though.
  2. Delete all social media accounts. No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. If you must have Instagram, just have your friends. And try to make them your actual, human, real-life friends.
  3. Delete any news websites from your bookmarks. It’s probably fake news anyway.
  4. Make Google your homepage. We tried Nyan cat first, but several computers were destroyed in the process of writing this article.
  5. Don’t click on the clickbait. It’s like not swearing at toddlers throwing a tantrum - it can be done.
  6. Have books on your phone. If you still read books, keep reading it on your next break at work.
  7. Work at work. You’re paid to do a job there, after all, not gaze at articles about boobs.
  8. Get a 200MB data plan. You won’t be clicking through after the first time bill shock happens.
  9. Become intelligent. You don’t need to be a pawn for news media companies and the advertising industry.
  10. Cut off your hands. Seriously, it takes a lot of effort to now make Siri find clickbait for you.

Barnaby Joyce Insists He's Half Tomato, Not Half Kiwi

Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce insists he is a full Australian citizen and not half-Kiwi by descent of his father.

Another week and another fiasco involving a potential dual citizen serving as a parliamentarian in Parliament House has come to light. Joyce has referred himself to the High Court to have his citizenship status determined.

“I was born in Australia in 1967 to an Australian mother and I think I’m fifth generation," Joyce told to the Parliament. "My father was born in New Zealand, came to Australia in 1947 as a British subject – in fact, we were all British subjects at that time.

"I am and have always been Australian. I am ethnically half Anglo-Saxon and half tomato - Truss to be specific. The one that smells good."

More to come.

Geeks Call For Ban On Teen Girls In Movie Theatres

A petition has been created at change.org to ban teenage girls from movie theatres that are showing comic book films.

The petition is a response to geeks’ concerns that teenage girls often talk, giggle or play on their phones during movies.

“As the popularity of comic book movies has increased, we’ve seen all kinds of demographic shifts in audiences,” says Marco Rubillo III. “We welcome that, but there’s a time and a place for it. It’s not on opening weekend.”

The petition calls for a ban on entry to all females aged 11 to 20 in theatres specially designated as ‘male geek’ theatres. Furthermore, the petition says theatres must create a specially designated female theatre.

The ban would essentially segregate audiences on the opening weekend of a comic book movie’s release.

“It’s win-win, says Rubillo. “It’s discrimination, but it’s positive discrimination.”

Long-time comic book fan Kevin Pasto supports the petition. “At the beginning of every comic book film the girls are always laughing and giggling and whispering. We build these movies up in our heads so much for so long, so it’s very, very frustrating to have the experience spoiled.”

One Nation Supporters Choosing To Believe They're Not Stupid

One Nation supporters have been confirmed to be unbelievably stupid and lacking in basic facts, instead "choosing to believe" their own versions instead.

Photo: Lucas Koch

Photo: Lucas Koch

The facts come in light of the revelations that One Nation Senator Malcolm Roberts was a British citizen even though he publicly stated that he was never a British citizen, therefore confirming himself to be either a liar or an idiot.

A recent poll of One Nation supporters found that 100% believe that global warming is a hoax, and 100% believe that every Muslim is a terrorist.

The poll of idiots also found that 100% believe political correctness to have "gone mad" and that vaccines cause autism.

Whilst One Nation supporters are generally divorced from reality, the absoluteness of these beliefs is staggering.

Star Wars Recycling Plant Booming

Disney-owned mega-franchise Star Wars says its recycling plant is booming and expecting to be operating at full capacity by 2019.

Disney bought Star Wars from its creator George Lucas in 2012 for a reported US$4 billion.

In 2015, the seventh film in the Star Wars series, The Force Awakens, was released to massive commercial success. Since then, Disney has revealed plans to release a series of spin-off films based on characters from the main films.

Last year Rogue One: A Star Wars Story was be released. It detailed the story of how the Rebellion acquired the plans to the infamous Death Star space station in the original Star Wars film A New Hope.

Head of Recycling Patty Wistful pleased many fans when she announced that franchise-favourite Darth Vader, a serial killer, betrayer, liar and fanatic, would be featuring in the film.

“We think it’s socially responsible to reuse old products,” said Ms Wistful. “We’ve really stepped it up after the success of The Force Awakens, which essentially told the same story as A New Hope.

“If you look across the entire seven films you’ll have seen a blown-up space station sequence at the finale in four of them,” Ms Wistful added.

Star Wars also has recycling plans in place for popular characters Han Solo and Boba Fett.

Marriage Equality 'Canberra Bubble' Issue On Every Front Page

Outspoken doorknob Neil Mitchell has made the sensational claim that marriage equality is a "Canberra bubble" issue that's not really important.

Photo: Aaron Bunch

Photo: Aaron Bunch

This is despite the issue of marriage equality being plastered over the front pages of newspapers over the past week.

And this is despite a massive internal rift within the Coalition government which threatens the reign of Malcolm Turnbull.

And this is despite claims by Australians that they value egalitarianism, mateship and the fair go.

If marriage equality is such a non-issue, why is Mitchell even talking about it?

Can you really trust a shockjock with two first names?

New Hospital Wing For Politicians Who Shoot Themselves In Foot

Construction is set to begin on a new hospital wing at Canberra Hospital in a joint initiative funded the by federal and territory governments.

The new wing will ostensibly be used for politicians who shoot themselves in the foot.

There was a major outbreak of foot shooting in the past month as politicians from all sides were caught being dual citizens; dual citizens are forbidden to serve as members of parliament under section 44 of the Constitution.

Greens Senators Scott Ludlam and Larissa Waters were found to be citizens of New Zealand and Canada respectively, whilst Liberal Matt Canavan claims his mum signed him up to be an Italian when he was the age of 25.

Canavan had only recently found out it was his mum who had him signed up for Obscure Sports Quarterly.

The new hospital wing will not be able to treat politicians who find themselves in straightjackets, such as Malcolm Turnbull, nor politicians who are missing hearts and brains, like Tony Abbott.

Inspired By His Favourite Musicians, Author Pens A Most Boring Book

Writing a well-crafted, insightful, contemporary and challenging novel is hard. Too hard for Jackson Penthouse, so instead he put his effort into creating a boring but commercially successful book.

Out Of Tune is Mr Penthouse’s debut novel, published by Random House. It follows the life of would-be musician-cum-writer Toby Wilhelm, as he contemplates the meaning of his life in Manhattan.

“The book is semi-autobiographical,” said Mr Penthouse. “I didn’t have the time or motivation to research other people’s lives so I just used most of my own.”

Jackson Penthouse grew up in a relatively wealthy house in suburban Milwaukee, where music was encouraged at an early age.

“We played all kinds of instruments. I was a string musician, whilst my younger sister was percussion,” said Mr Penthouse. “Dad would always be playing The Eagles.”

Mr Penthouse says these days his musical inspirations are Coldplay, Maroon 5 and Kings Of Leon.

“They really speak to me. They don’t sing about much. Just simple tales of relationships gone awry or having a good time. That’s what I like.”

Boring books, sometimes called airport novels because of their easiness to read in an airport, have been receiving a boost in recent years. Many Americans, unable to deal with the complexity of the modern world and the consequences of their foreign adventures, turn to boring books as a form of escapism.

Mr Penthouse agrees. “I thought about writing a book about a transgender woman and the massive discrimination she faces within the music industry, but that would have been difficult. Americans love their country and they don’t want to be reminded too directly how hard it is for some people out there.”

Prototype For Thicker Skin For Delusional Privileged Men

Former Australian of the Year Dr Fiona Wood, the pioneer of spray-on skin that was hugely beneficial in treating Australians maimed in the Bali bombings, has revealed to The Seagull she has been working on a prototype of thicker skin to help fragile snowflake men.

The spray-on formula would work to help middle-class men of privilege when they feel threatened by underprivileged citizens seeking equality.

“This would help many men of privilege who often delusionally feel threatened about their higher status in society as folks from underprivileged communities struggle against discrimination,” said Dr Wood.

The spray-on skin could potentially help someone like Scott Morrison, a conservative Christian, who opposes legal rights for LGBTIQ Australians. Mr Morrison revealed to the media last year he too has struggled with bigotry from proponents of marriage equality.

Mr Morrison did not detail those hurtful experiences. Many LGBTIQ Australians are personally subjected to verbal abuse, workplace discrimination, denial of legal rights and physical violence, including murder. It is understood that Mr Morrison has never been murdered for his conservative views.

Dr Wood stressed the spray-on skin was in the early stages of testing. In the meantime, she urged people like Eddie McGuire and Scott Morrison to “walk a mile in other people’s shoes.”

“A Christian like Scott Morrison would be well aware what it’s like to offer support for the underprivileged, as that is exactly what Jesus taught.”

Princess Diana Clickbait Top Tips

Are you are struggling sub-editor struggling to make the most of the 20th anniversary of
Princess Diana's death? Then we've got some top tips for you!

  • The Queen: anything that involves interaction with Queen Elizabeth is gold.
  • The Princes: William and Harry have recently opened up about how their mother's death affected them. Utilise this grief.
  • Affairs. Everyone loves the juicy tabloid gossip.
  • George and Charlotte: Sure, they never met Diana, but everyone loves a hypothetical.

What not to do:

  • Camilla: this is not the time, pal.
  • Conspiracy theories: even in this current golden age, ones about Diana are duds.

The combination of the public's fondness for "The People's Princess" and a 20th anniversary is an opportunity to valuable to miss. Exploit it today! Don't wait!

60 Minutes To Wait Only Six Years For Cassie Sainsbury's Story

In a positive development for chequebook journalism in Australia, Cassie Sainsbury has agreed to plead guilty for a lesser sentence in relation to drugs charges in Colombia.

Photo: AP

Photo: AP

60 Minutes is the front runner when it comes to chequebook journalism in Australia, with a number of notable paid stories on its resume, such as the Beaconsfield mine disaster and the child abduction fiasco in Lebanon.

Cassie Sainsbury's stories has all the hallmarks of TV reportage. There is a young, blonde, white woman caught in possession of copious amounts of cocaine, which is far more exotic to Australians than marijuana.

One insider from the Nine Network revealed the team is already laying the groundwork.

"There's two way this can go: Cassie as villain or Cassie as victim. It's simply reading the wind of public opinion at the right time.

"The added bonus of Cassie being a sex worker just puts a cherry on top. Australians may think they're easy-going and laidback, but really they're a bunch of prudes when it comes to women expressing their sexuality. Wait and see."

 

Hundreds Of Dreamcatchers Sold To Basics At Splendour

Market stalls selling dreamcatchers have reportedly made a "killing" from last weekend's Splendour in the Grass musical festival.

Photo: Mark Metcalfe

Photo: Mark Metcalfe

The festival is the largest winter music festival held in Australia, generally a low season for music festivals.

But as throngs of basics turned up wearing glitter, flower crowns and not much else, sellers made a bunch of cash money.

"Despite all the brouhaha these days about cultural appropriation, these people can't get enough of dreamcatchers," said Ivan Lentilli, a stall holder. "I used to run an Etsy store for this stuff, but then I figured I can come here and go to a few bush doofs and make the same amount of money!"

Lily Plaintaine is another seller. "Nobody wears flower crowns away from here, but everyone sticks a dreamcatcher in their car. With each year comes new P-Platers - there's always a market for these things."

 

White Students Kicked Out Of Supermarket ‘Because They Might Steal Something’

In another example of heavy-handed security tactics a Melbourne supermarket has been accused of profiling a group of teenagers after suggesting they “might steal something.”

This latest furore comes after a group of students of African descent from Melbourne’s western suburbs were asked to leave an Apple store “because they might steal something.”

The Coles supermarket in Thomastown was thrust into the media spotlight as the group of teenagers, aged in their teens, were asked by several people who work at the store to leave.

Supermarkets are known as easy targets for thieves. Most commonly stolen items are chewing gum, batteries, and razor blades. Recently, pet care treatments have also been a growing target.

The supermarket’s store manager, Ivan Plumpton, said the students, who were wearing “backpacks,” were hanging around in high-risk areas and one employee claimed she saw one of the group put an energy drink can down his pants.

The Seagull spoke to the students involved. “We did nuffin’ and they kicked us out,” said one schoolkid. “I was going to buy a loaf of bread for my family but I’ll never shop there again. I’m goin’ to Aldi.”

The Seagull also spoke to the students’ principal, who did not want to be named. “Yeah, they steal. They’re not allowed in Woolworths’ stores for that reason. They’re on a list there.”

The Seagull spoke to the students again. “We’re on that list because we are from a lower socio-economic class,” said one student. “We buy clothes from K-Mart and eat Home Brand foods. The stores target us because of what we look like.”

Another student added: “I have to shave, so of course I’m gonna look at the razor blades. But I never once stolen anyfing.”

Spare Underwear Needed For Nerds At Comic-Con

Nerd culture's biggest extravaganza, San Diego Comic-Con, took place last weekend and the hits on YouTube are piling up.

But the washing baskets of teens and adults will be filling up faster thanks to the cinematic output from the Big Two in the famed Hall H.

From DC there was the new Justice League trailer, a not-for-public Aquaman teaser and confirmation of a slate of new films including Wonder Woman 2, Suicide Squad 2 and Flashpoint.

From Marvel there was the newest trailer for Thor: Ragnarok, featuring a talking Hulk sure to make any male reach straight for the tissues. There was also casting news about Captain Marvel and Ant-Man & The Wasp and promotional artwork for Black Panther and Avengers: Infinity War.

If the theatrical and critical reception of recent films like Spider-Man: Homecoming and Wonder Woman are anything to go by, it will be a busy year in the laundry for parents across the nation.

Driver Admits Speeding Past Cyclists Makes Him Feel Big

The Seagull yesterday spoke to a driver who cheerfully admitted that speeding past cyclists makes him feel big.

‘It feels good. It let’s them know who’s boss,’ said Mark Rutiger of Mill Park.

Rutiger also mentioned he regularly revs his engine when stopped near cyclists at traffic lights.

When questioned about increased fuel consumption, Rutiger gave a succinct reply: ‘I don’t care.’