With Banking Apps, Has The Thrill Disappeared For Rich People?

There are so many ways guides to happiness in the 21st century, but the truest and most accurate measure is how much money one has.

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Obviously the more you have the happier you will be. Anybody who says "money can't buy happiness" has either never had money or never been truly happy.

But is the thrill and the excitement still there?

Now one can check one's bank accounts in a matter of seconds. It's so simple. Where is the challenge of counting all the notes stashed in your huge safe, or going to the bank branch to check what's in your safety deposit box, or visiting your accountant or stockbroker to receive updates on your portfolio?

Is this the reason why bitcoin is surging? Is it simply a way for rich people to find the thrill in money once again?

Muslims Glad Chinese Are Taking Heat At The Moment

The current Sinophobia racing through the Australian political landscape at the moment has a silver lining for one community and no, it's not Indigenous Australians, for they are always ignored.

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The Muslim community is breathing a little easier these days since the damaging stories about NSW Labor Senator Sam Dastyari's endorsement of China's territorial claims in the South China Sea, which is against his own party's policy and the policy of the Australian government, and his shady dealings with a Chinese businessman.

Ahmed al-Khalil, from the Australian Islamic Association, is looking very relaxed, smiling even. He tells The Seagull, "It's been a rough couple of... decades, let's be honest."

"Every time a bomb goes off you know the media and the comments on social media are going to be horrendous. Australia, for all its quirks, is the land of the fair go. Now they are targeting the Chinese.

"Who says Australians don't support equality?"

Mustang Driver Confirms Wanker Status With Personalised Plate

Derek Hindson, a 42 year old signwriter from Keilor, loves his Ford Mustang.

"It's a beast! Just look at it!" Hindson excitedly told The Seagull.

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Hindson was one of the first owners of the sixth generation Mustang when they became available in Australia. There was reportedly a six-month waiting period at one stage due to popularity of the car.

Like most men obsessed with their cars, Hindson had no issue with forking out the hundreds of dollars necessary to buy a personalised registration plate.

Said Hindson: "This isn't an ordinary car. You have to show people why it's so much better than theirs."

Guardian Editors Await Their Walkely For Bird Poll

Editors at The Guardian website will have to wait nearly a year to find out if their Bird of the Year 2017 poll news coverage will win them a swag of Walkely awards.

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The winner of the 2017 edition was the Magpie, the bird equivalent of the Australian person, which viciously attacks people that look different to them and who dare to enter "their" territory.

The Walkelys are awarded to Australian journalists and news organisations for outstanding achievements in the field of journalism, or what passes for it these days.

The Bird of the Year poll is conducted every year by BirdLife Australia, but it is the first time they have teamed up with The Guardian, ostensibly to gain more clicks on the internet.

During the poll, irregularities were found with voting for certain birds, which led to the discovery of an automated bot casting votes. The Guardian's fearless journalists uncovered these disgraceful attempts to undermine the democratic process.

The results also showed the inherent problem with giving ordinary people the right to vote - demonstrated terrifically by Brexit and Donald Trump - with the Eclectus Parrot receiving only 24 votes.

MRA Group Calls For Digital Bill Of Rights

Australian men’s right’s activist group Manly Men has implored the federal government to create a digital bill of rights to protect internet users against online threats and abuse.

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The group claims that "many" men face threats and abuse from other users, particularly women.

The group did not provide any direct evidence of threats that members had received. Instead, they showed screenshots of Twitter and Facebook posts where women had used "mocking" language against them.

"It’s unfair," said Manly Men co-founder John Strongname. "I mean, we hunted the mammoth. And now these people use evidence-based arguments and logic and reason against us. We are now persecuted."

Strongname pointed to the case of Ryan Hawkins. Hawkins, 20, from Middleton in South Australia,  sent a message to Clementine Ford's Facebook page that threatened to rape and bash Ms Ford and called her "lesbian scum.”

Clementine Ford is a columnist with Fairfax Media’s Daily Life section and is a strong advocate for women’s rights. Ms Ford made headlines when she recently called out TV programme Sunrise for victim blaming.

Strongname says Hawkins was “maliciously” singled out. "He was obviously trying to have a joke. This woman shares a private message online and now this poor man gets shamed and abused. It’s totally unfair. Men need protection."

Hawkins lied twice about the message he sent Ms Ford. First, he said a friend had sent the message, then claimed his phone had been hacked.

Strongname did not say anything about the thousands of females who constantly receive abuse, rape threats and death threat online.

"As If!" Local Man Disputes Neutron Stars' Collision

This morning people woke from their sleep to news on the TV that scientists across the world had observed the collision of two neutron stars.

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"Were you there?" asked Pete Worthington, 39, of Gladstone Park when The Seagull spoke to several people about this morning's news.

"I don't buy it for a second. As if!"

When The Seagull calmly explained to Pete that more than 70 observatories across the globe had witnessed the event and the LIGO detectors had felt the collision via gravitational waves, the man was still indignant.

"All youse scientists have done is nothin' ever! I still ain't got a jetpack or a flying car but you say somefin 'appened a hundred and firty miles away. Bull!"

City Featured In 'Black Hawk Down' Suffers Terrorist Attack

The city that featured in the 2001 US film 'Black Hawk Down' has suffered a major terrorist attack that has left at least 276 people dead and more than 300 injured.

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A truck, which was loaded with homemade and military-grade explosives, was stopped at a checkpoint but the driver suddenly accelerated and crashed into a barrier and exploded. The explosion also ignited a nearby fuel tanker, causing a massive fireball.

The death toll is expected to rise.

Al-Shabaab, a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist group, is believed to be behind the attack. The group vowed step up its terrorism this year.

More to come.

 

Woolies Employee Has Existential Crisis Stacking Baked Beans

Jason Richards, 23, is your typical Woolworths grocery team member. He works from 7.30am to 3.30pm Monday to Friday.

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But on one harmless Thursday, that all changed.

"I was working a backstock cage, which is where we put all the stock that doesn't fit on to the shelf when it first arrives. That led me to question why we order in so much stock but it lives in the storeroom where it literally can't be sold.

"Because we get a delivery every day. So why couldn't it come the next day? Then I though why do we end up with so much promotional stock leftover each week?

"Then I wondered why we have all these meetings every day to discuss why we are missing so much stock. I know why - it's because we have self-serve machines which makes it unbelievably easy for customers to steal things. But the managers ignore that fact.

"They just like to talk and talk to appear as if they are doing something, when in reality they just print off emails and walk around. They waste our time. They and the company do many things to make work so much harder.

"Why is it getting harder to work at Woolworths?"

NRA Agrees To Restrict 30 Round M16 Guns To 28 Rounds By 2040

A major gun control measure was agreed to today by the National Rifle Association and it's employees, the Congress of the United States.

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New legislation will see new guns sold being restricted to a magazine capacity of 28 rounds, down from 30 rounds.

The restrictions will begin in 2040.

"This is a common sense measure that will protect the American people," Speaker Paul Ryan said today.

"We've seen the damage that high capacity magazines can do and we believe this measure will reduce gun-related violence," Ryan added.

Hipsters Caught Up In Richmond Sportsball Victory

Lily Speith and Jordan Tetra were simply having a nice meal and a few relaxing cocktails on Saturday afternoon when their whole world turned upside down.

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"It was crazy," said Speith. "Just as we finished our delicious meal, we stepped out into the beautiful late afternoon glow and there was hordes of working-class people everywhere."

They were drinking and dancing in the street and screaming "Yellow and Black!" so we assumed it must have something to do with that Australian Rules football game or something," said Tetra.

"I know Melbourne has a zombie-like obsession with sportsball but this was insane," said Speith.

"We quickly got an Uber and found a niche art gallery in Fitzory," said Tetra.

Abbott Wants A.B. Original To Sing At Australia Day Awards

Former Prime Minister and current leader of the No campaign, Tony Abbott, has made another startling choice of artist to perform at a prestigious occasion.

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Abbott has named hip hop duo A.B. Original as his first choice for the annual Australia Day awards held in Canberra every year.

A.B. Original is comprised of Briggs and Trials, two Indigenous Australians whose music is overtly political. Their first single was "January 26."

This morning Abbott questioned why an Australian wasn't chosen to perform at the NRL Grand Final. However, Abbott didn't seem to have a problem with The Killers performing at the AFL Grand Final.

Abbott also stated he was a fan of Aussie act Savage Garden, whose lead singer, Darren Hayes, is in a same-sex marriage.

Family Dinner Turns To Debating Life Of Hugh Hefner

As the McKenzie family sat down to dinner in Pascoe Vale yesterday evening, the carbonara was quickly relegated to entree status. Why? A vigorous discussion about Hugh Hefner erupted.

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"I always though he was a chauvinist," says Mary, 40, mum to Janie, 16, and Isaac, 14, and husband to Phil, 41. "But then you see some of the progressive causes he supported and it makes you think twice."

"It does make you think twice," Phil starts, "but only to confirm what you thought: he was an avid objectifier of woman for personal and financial gain."

"But nobody forced those women into the magazines," interrupts Janie. "I thought the point of women's liberation was for them to choose the kind of they wanted, not what society wanted."

"Well what society wants, according to Playboy, is a very narrow view of beauty and sexuality that is overwhelmingly obsessed with straight, white women," Isaac says.

At this point The Seagull left the discussion as it appeared to be too nuanced for the black and white outrage cycle that is 21st century humanity.

Melb vs Sydney War Escalates Over Radar

The dick-swinging contest between Melbourne and Sydney continues to escalate, with the latest battleground being Sydney Airport's radar failure.

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"Who woulda thunk it? Sunny Sydney's radar fails! Come to misty Melbourne (lol) when you can folks!" Tweeted the official City of Melbourne Twitter handle.

The City of Sydney, never one to back down, returned fire with: "One day in spring mate. How's the ghost town goin' on NYE or Australia Day."

That was followed up with: "Do you even celebrate Australia Day down there anymore?"

With both cities aiming to pave a 100km radius from their city centres and have the most expensive house prices in the world, this battles looks set to continue.

 

Clickbait Capital Of Australia Revealed

In a surprise, surprising headline writers and sub-editors all over the country, Fitzroy, an inner suburb of Melbourne, has been named as the clickbait capital of Australia.

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Wikipedia describes clickbait as "a pejorative term describing web content that is aimed at generating online advertising revenue, especially at the expense of quality or accuracy, relying on sensationalist headlines to attract click-throughs and to encourage forwarding of the material over online social networks. Clickbait headlines typically aim to exploit the 'curiosity gap,' providing just enough information to make the reader curious, but not enough to satisfy their curiosity without clicking through to the linked content."

Statisticians compiled the statistics after a request by both Fairfax Media and News Limited. The media giants wanted a better understanding of how their content was consumed.

Fitzroy, a former working-class area that has been undergoing a process of transformation and gentrification over the last few decades, was the surprise hotspot. Statisticians had expected the CBD areas of Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane to rank higher, as office workers attempted to enliven their days behind their desks scouring websites for news of the latest outrage.

Fitzroy is also home to so-called ‘progressives’ and ‘hipsters,’ considered to be ambivalent about consuming mainstream news services, adding more confusion to this story.

“It’s like people saying they’re tired of a sex scandal, or leadership shenanigans in Canberra,” says Al Bert Countalot from the ABS. “But the numbers don’t lie; people always devour these salacious stories.”

Melburnians Bust Out The Fans After One Warm Day

Saturday was a great day in general. There was a feeling of excitement and positivity as Richmond looked to enter its first Grand Final for 35 years.

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The weather was splendid, with the temperature reaching a warm 30 degrees. After a miserable winter where the only time it wasn't overcast was at night, it was a welcome change.

"I just, like, had an amazing time with the girls, like," says Taylurr Baysik. "We all went out for margaritas and Mexican - what else would you do?"

At the temperature held constant into the evening, many Melburnians whipped out their dust-covered fans to simulate a cool change.

A moderately drinking several craft beers in his backyard, Devon Johnston searched out his $10 K-Mart spinner.

"Well, in the end, we all knew the rain wasn't far off - this is Melbourne! Ha! Ha! Ha!" Devon laughs. "But it was good to pretend for a few hours that it might be more than one afternoon of sunshine. Ha! Ha! Ha!"

Scott Morrison Fails To Pick Scott Morrison Out Of Lineup

He's got arguably the second most important job in the country, but it seems that Scott Morrison is unrecognisable to most Australians, including himself.

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Whilst appearing on morning television to ostensibly increase his public profile, Morrison played a game and was shown as series of photos of celebrities, the last picture being of himself.

But it took the Treasurer ten seconds to recognise it!

It seems that ever since Morrison left the immigration portfolio, his popularity has waned. More people recognise the new Immigration Minister, the human potato Peter Dutton.

"It's easy to make friends when you're the guy who hands out all the money," says veteran political journalist Mike Went. "But also it's very easy to make enemies."

"I think Morrison's problem is that people just don't care what he does. They're interested in Turnbull v Abbott."

Carlton Fans Welcome Voluntary Euthanasia Law

Bluebaggers, an informal gathering of members of the Carlton Football Club, has welcomed the Victorian government's proposed law legalising voluntary euthanasia.

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The group is led by Patrick Fiorente, a long time club member, and some might say, a long suffering member.

"Those halcyon days of the 70s and 80s are long gone," says Fiorente. "I fear we may turn into the next Western Bulldogs and be left waiting for 60 years for another flag.

"It's good to have the option to check out, so to speak, if life becomes unbearable."

Carlton's last premiership was in 1995, but the club has struggled since the turn of the century, making the finals only five times and winning the wooden spoon four times.

"Fitzroy was sent to live out its days on the Queensland coast, but I think I'd rather choose my end, thank you very much," says Fiorente.

 

 

Dog Wakes Up Owner At 4am For Pointless Backyard Stroll

Sophie Fletcher is just an ordinary cat owner living in the suburbs, working a full time job as an accountant.

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Except Sophie, owner of three cats, now also owns a greyhound.

All the advice she received from friends and family has turned out to be "lies."

"They were more deceitful than Tony Abbott," Sophie says. "Greyhounds aren't lazy, and anyone who says that is deluded."

The problems started three months after Sophie adopted Gene, a grey greyhound from Victoria.

"She gets into everything, every little nook and cranny, chewing up everything.

"I just want to get to a good night's sleep, but she gets me up at in the middle of the night, even when she doesn't need to wee!"

 

Worms Infuriated By LNP's Canavan "Grow A Spine" Comment

The National Association for the Advancement of Worms, or NAAW, has singled out former minister Matt Canavan's rhetoric during the marriage equality debate.

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Last week Canavan, who is also an Italian citizen, said people should "stop being delicate little flowers and have a proper debate."

"Can’t we all just grow a spine and grow up?" Senator Canavan added.

NAAW spokesworm T.E. Limp said it was disheartening to see such a high profile Australian with such a "dismissive and retrograde attitude" as his.

"It's bad enough to attack at risk LGBTIQ children who will face further harm by bigots newly emboldened by this public debate," Limp said. "But to attack those LGBTIQ who have never had and will never have a spine is beyond the pale."

NAAW's comments follow those made by former Australian of the Year Patrick McGorry, who said Canavan's comments were "very regrettable" and "most Australians wouldn't agree with that."