Outraged Andrew Bolt Rolls In Makeshift Grave

Herald Sun blogger Andrew Bolt has revealed to colleagues he has built a makeshift grave in his backyard to roll over in when he feels outraged.

Colleagues of Bolt, who spoke to The Seagull on the condition of anonymity, said the act of rolling around six feet under made the writer feel “more relaxed.”

“Anyone who works as much as Andrew does gets stressed from time to time,” said one colleague. “With his column, his blog and the Sky News… thing, it’s no surprise he has to let off some steam.

“Every day Andrew would see so many leftie latte sippers, by Googling leftie latte sippers, that would be enough to make anyone’s blood boil.”

Another insider said the grave digging had begun about a decade ago during the Indian cricket team’s controversial tour of Australia in 2007-08.

“Andrew was incensed at the tremendous support the Indian team received in Australia, particularly Melbourne. He was left wondering whose side these fans were on.”

The Seagull has learned that Mr Bolt uses the grave about once a week to wind down. Rumours swirl that he has even invited Tony Abbot over for a quick roll over, after the former PM was toppled by Malcolm Turnbull. 

Conservative Penguin Group Backs Bernardi

A spokespenguin for the conservative Penguin Family Values lobby group has backed the call made by Liberal MP Cory Bernardi that gay marriage will lead to bestiality and polygamy. Lioth Helms denounced the move to legalise same-sex marriage as 'meddling with natural law.'

As with humans, there is growing support for penguins to be given marriage equality.

Helms said that 'so-called progressive intellectuals like to tell everybody what's right for everybody else.' Traditional family values, such as male-female marriage needed to be protected. 'We've all seen those movies. Humans and animals can develop too close a bond and we believe that gay marriage is just the first step.'

But a spokespenguin for the Penguin Parade, a gay rights advocacy group called Helms a 'dinosaur.' Said Eden Miller: 'What you have here is a relic of the past. Helms and Bernardi refuse to accept the fact that their prejudices allow dangerous discrimination against homosexual humans and penguins. For more than one hundred years we've known about same-sex attracted penguins. The straw man that is bestiality is just ludicrous. Will they ban fruit because humans can have sex with a watermelon too?'