Mechanic Promises To Find Only Two Extra Problems With Your Car

A mechanic in Melbourne’s northern suburbs is offering a special offer to service your car that has gone viral on social media on the Internet.

iStock-477904280.jpg

In the short video posted to Facebook, mechanic and owner of North By Northwest Motors, Steve O’Grady, says he will offer a routine service of your car for a fixed price and will only find two extra problems with your car.

The fixed price packages are more expensive than those offered by Ultratune and dealer service centres, which is due to the guarantee of extra problems being fixed. But O’Grady sees this as a strong selling point.

“With us, you won’t get a phone call 30 minutes after dropping off your car to let you know we’ve found a crack in some shaft or other. It’s already been taken care of.”

Consumer advocacy organisation Choice says it’s actually a deal worth considering.

“When you go to a mechanic for a standard service you usually get a call soon after saying they’ve found another problem and that can end up costing you hundreds of extra dollars, even though they may be lying,” Choice spokesman Christopher Zinn told The Seagull. “With North By Northwest’s offer you have a fixed price, which is admittedly higher, but you get that security.”

O’Grady says the inspiration for the idea came from a post his daughter had shown him on Instagram about being honest and upfront in all aspects of one’s life.

Turnbull And Dutton Run Off From Abbott At Parliament House

Startling reports have emerged of Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and Immigration Minister Peter Dutton running off from Tony Abbott at Parliament House last week.

Unnamed anonymous sources who wish to remain unknown say Abbott offered to buy coffees for the three of them. Once Abbott was inside the cafe, Turnbull and Dutton ran off down the halls and back to the Prime Minister's office.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister refused to comment on the alleged incident; inquiries to Dutton's office went unanswered.

Labor frontbencher Anthony Albanese, most likely a victim of schoolyard hijinks himself, said it was "typical Tory behaviour" from Turnbull.

"Mr Harbourside Mansion just doesn't know how to relate to people beneath his level, and Tony Abbott is clearly beneath him."

Reports of right-wing agitator Kevin Andrews consoling Tony Abbott have so far not been corroborated.

Insensitive Professor Hands Out Concrete For Easily Triggered Students

A professor of sociology at Western Australia’s Curtin University has quickly back-pedalled after his so-called “joke” to offer students cups of concrete in lectures was slammed across the nation.

Professor James Wiltalot “apologised” “unreservedly” for the “joke” “yesterday” “evening.”

“I understand my actions were offensive and insulting and for that I unreservedly apologise,” Professor Wiltalot said in his statement. “Though I have been involved in academia since a teenager I still have much to learn.”

At the beginning of Professor Wiltalot’s Thursday lecture on the subject of changing sexual mores of the 20th century, he left cups of concrete on a stand beside his lectern.

One student recalled the moment: “He said ‘This will serve any of those who are easily triggered.’”

Another student told The Seagull that “I don’t think anyone laughed. It was more like, ‘What the fuck?’”

Other professors and lecturers spoke to The Seagull about the incident on the condition of anonymity.

“He recently found out about Tumblr, and since then has been trawling blogs for months,” said one source. “I know it’s been really unhealthy for him.”

Said another: “He just hate-reads them. He seeks out different opinions and views, but instead of engaging and learning, he uses them to reinforce his set of beliefs. It’s virtually the opposite to what being at university is all about.”

Hall's Taekwondo Praises Star Student Andrew Bolt

Hall's Taekwondo CEO Tony Hall has praised conservative commentator Andrew Bolt for defending himself against violent thugs in a Carlton restaurant.

Bolt was attending the launch of a book looking at the election of Donald Trump as the President of the United States. Afterwards a person approached Bolt for a selfie when he was set upon by two punks who sprayed silly string and threw glitter upon him.

Bolt then returned serve and punched and kicked one offender, saying, “Police are looking for a young man with a bruise on the left side of his face and a bruise between his legs, for which I apologise I guess, but I don’t really fight nice if I’m pushed too far.”

Tony Hall said Bolt showed "remarkable restraint" and "incredible skill" in fighting off the thugs in such a confined space.

"Speaking to the people who trained Mr Bolt, I can say he was a very attentive student which may surprise some. But he was very committed to his training. He was a big believer in authority."

Nasty Chemicals To Receive Behavioural Training

For the first time, a team of scientists and psychologists at Australia’s CSIRO will begin a world-first study to retrain the behaviour of nasty chemicals.

The team will focus on three main chemicals that have been claimed to cause problems for human beings: BPA, parabens, and triclosans.

The study was given the go-ahead after an online petition on internet website change.org was set up by concerned parents from the town of Mullumbimby in northern New South Wales.

BPA, short for Bisphenol A, is an organic synthetic compound, used to make certain plastic and epoxy resins. It is most commonly used in food storage devices.

Parabens are a class of widely used preservatives in cosmetic and pharmaceutical products. Triclosan is an anti-fungal and anti-bacterial agent commonly found is soaps, detergents and toys.

Numerous studies into the chemicals have shown there is no conclusive data that any of them cause cancer, particularly breast cancer.

Dr Reg Haythornthwaite, the leader of the study, is excited by the project. “I am literally over the fucking moon.

“Not only do I have to spend the next six months keeping these very delicate substances in a highly quarantined area, I get to listen to psychologists giving them cognitive behavioural therapy.

“I suppose the upside is that these weirdos from Mullumbimby, who have vaccination rates similar to those of South Sudan, will learn that these so-called nasty chemicals aren’t really that nasty.”

Terrorists Still Cunts

Less than a fortnight after the murder of innocent children at a pop concert, savage terrorists have targeted innocent Londoners in a deadly rampage.

The best kind of terrorist - a dead terrorist. Photo: Gabrielle Sciotto

The best kind of terrorist - a dead terrorist. Photo: Gabrielle Sciotto

A van drove into pedestrians on London Bridge around 10pm Saturday night local time, then continuing to Borough Market where three cunts emerged and began attacking people with knives.

Within eight minutes specialist police arrived and shot dead the cunts.

Authorities have confirmed that seven innocent people are dead, with 48 wounded, 21 of those critical. 4 Australians suffered injuries and are being treated in hospital.

World leaders were quick to offer solidarity with London and Britain in general, and many Britons were miffed that media outlets were telling them how they were feeling. Particular scorn was directed at the New York Times, who decided that the entire country was "reeling."

Said one Tweeter: "Nothing makes Brits more resolutely determined to 'get on with things' than hysterical commentators trying to suggest we're reeling."

The British stiff upper lip is still well-intact, it seems. The photo of a man carrying his pint down the street as people scrambled out of the danger zone is typical of British sentiment presently. Keep calm and carry on.

Greens Leader Testing Hip New Lingo

Sources have confirmed to The Seagull that Greens leader Richard Di Natale has been testing hip and youth-oriented language to appeal to the younger voting demographic.

Mr Di Natale will soon be appearing on the ABC’s infamous Q&A program, notorious for its ability to piss everyone off the next day.

At the Greens’ Melbourne HQ, Mr Di Natale and member for Melbourne Adam Bandt squared off in a mock debate. Greens members and volunteers, in between sipping chardonnay and reading Das Kapital, were vocal members of a mock audience.

“Typically when Adam, who is doing a fine job impersonating Malcolm Turnbull, with 75 clauses in each sentence, says something wacky, Richard will respond with ‘Hmm okay’ or simply ‘Okay,’” Karol Lonergan told The Seagull.

“Saying ‘LOL’ has been a crowd-pleaser too,” added Ms Lonergan.

Another volunteer, Arnie Klinger, said the key was to simplify the answer when Mr Di Natale had the audience’s attention. “Once they laugh, you’ve got them. Then you simply spell out what the Greens would do, why it would cost everyone ten times as much and why that’s better. Three sentences. It’s that simple.”

Rebel Wilson Not Even Fat

Tempers flared in the Supreme Court of Victoria today with defence lawyers claiming that Rebel Wilson was "not even fat."

Photograph: David Crosling

Photograph: David Crosling

The fiery exchange came during a line of questioning between Georgina Schoff QC, lawyer for defendants Bauer Media, and Wilson's mum, Sue Bownds.

Schoff questioned that, even though Wilson was technically in the obese range of the Body Mass Index, whether she really identified as a fat person.

"Of course she is," replied Bownds. "She's fat. Fatty fat fat fat."

Lawyers also queried whether Wilson's claim of being a bogan was factual, noting that Wilson was once seen drinking a $40 bottle of cabernet sauvignon.

The trial continues.

 

Exclusive: Boomer Wants To Pay More Tax

Gavin Hardy owns a $1 million home in Ascot Vale, has over $3 million in superannuation and a swathe a shares. He is very wealthy, and he knows it.

“I’ve done well in my life and I do not regret it. But I know that without the enormous help that society gave me, I wouldn’t be where I am.”

Mr Hardy created a transport company specialising in refrigerated trucks. He eventually moved into warehousing and distribution.

“If there weren’t highways, railways and ports, I wouldn’t have been able to achieve what I have and employ the hundreds of people that I did.”

Mr Hardy said the Turnbull government’s 2017-18 budget was very disappointing, citing the lack of major infrastructure funding as a missed opportunity.

“How can a business like mine be nimble and agile in the 21st century without adequate transport infrastructure? Congestion will cost $53 billion by 2031 without proper investment.”

What is Mr Hardy’s solution? Higher taxes.

“I can afford higher taxes. I have four negatively geared properties that are being set aside for my children. If I make a bit less money and society makes a bit more, that’s fine. More wealthy people need to give more from the country that helped them.

“One of my daughters is studying to be a doctor. Her education is an investment in her future and the nation’s future. Trust me, I’ve had cancer. We need doctors."

 

30 More Diggers Should Fix Afghanistan

Defence Minister Marise Payne has confirmed that Australia will comply with a NATO request to send additional soldiers to help fix Afghanistan.

Photograph: Marco Catalano

Photograph: Marco Catalano

Australia will send 30 more troops, which will bring the current total to 300.

Australian military personnel have been in Afghanistan since the US-led coalition invaded the central Asian country to oust the tyrannical Taliban government, which was funding and supporting Al-qaeda.

Australia continues to provide military assistance and advice and bombs across the region. After the initial foray into Afghanistan, Australia joined the "Coalition of the Willing" to illegally invade Iraq.

The resulting catastrophic sectarian war in Iraq spread across the Middle East, resulting in the apocalyptic state in which Syria finds itself, largely due to the emergence of Islamic State, which spawned in the aftermath of the Iraq debacle.

Now there are Islamic State terrorist attacks all over the planet. Hopefully these 30 extra dudes can take care of it.

Parents To Lose Welfare If They Don't Calorie Count

A new welfare initiative is to be introduced by federal Social Services Minister Christian Porter today that will tackle the rising number of parents who do not calorie count their children’s foods.

The vast majority of parents that do receive family tax benefits do calorie count their children’s food, but there is a growing minority who object on scientific, technological or religious grounds.

The federal government claims that counting how many calories children eat is the best way to supervise how much food children eat and that is the best way to be a parent.

A government insider involved in drafting the new policy said it was “a necessary step” to protect the health and well-being of children. “This is a government that will protect all children in Australia.”

A vocal minority of so-called “anti-counters” have claimed that calorie counting does not do anything to protect the health of children. They claim there is a growing body of evidence that shows there is no value to assessing how much food a child eats when he or she is a child.

Many of the objectors live in more affluent areas of Australia and as such are unlikely to be receiving welfare benefits. But the government insists this is still a good policy that will have wider social ramifications.

Twiggy Forrest To Donate 400 Litres Of Blood

Australia's bestest philanthropist, Andrew "Twiggy" Forrest is set to give the single largest donation of blood in Australia's history.

Forrest and his wife Nicola will donate 400 litres of Type O blood.

On Monday, Forrest and his wife Nicola announced they would be donating $400 million of their own hard-earned money to charitable projects, including cancer research and ending modern modern slavery.

Politicians and movie stars were on hand to get the media to be more interested.

Wednesday's blood announcement came as a big surprise. Blood specialists Dr Redmond Haem said the Forrests' must have been stockpiling blood for years.

"Ideally, we'd want people to donate blood as often as they physically can," said Dr Haem. "But I suppose if people want to hoard their blood and then donate it later it's still better than nothing."

Dog Diversity Campaign

The Australian Dogs Association has launched a campaign for greater diversity in the representation of dogs on food packaging. ADA chair Rex says the campaign is intended to give a fairer representation to all breeds of dogs.

Border-Collie,-1.5-years-old,-sitting-and-looking-away-157653960_5581x6581.jpg

“While the dog food industry has come a long way, we still need to present better diversity. We just can’t have border collies on every can and bag.”

The ADA has congratulated the consistent efforts of market leader Pedigree for its use of multiple dogs on different products. Rex said it was supermarkets’ private labels and newer, premium brands that were letting the industry down.

“This is nothing against border collies. Some of my best friends are border collies. But it’s just like the humans’ campaigns for better racial representation or for plus-sized models on magazines.”

The ADA wants customers to create their own dog food products using templates from its website and then upload these to Facebook and Twitter.

Woolworths and Coles declined to comment when asked by The Seagull, but industry stable Chum said a particular dog was simply part of its branding.

“We have a Scottish terrier, and people all over know we have a Scottish terrier and when they see a Scottish terrier they think of Chum,” said spokeswoman Felicity Golt.

Westpac To Australia: Get Stuffed

Westpac has confirmed it will pass on the cost of the Federal government's new bank levy to customers, shareholders, staff, suppliers or even all four groups.

The major banks are going on the offensive against the government’s plan to impose a 0.06% levy on some liabilities of Australia’s five biggest banks – Commonwealth, Westpac, NAB, ANZ and Macquarie.

The Seagull spoke to a senior executive, who spoke to The Seagull on the condition of anonymity. "As if we're going to cut our bonuses or the dividend. The customers will pay through higher fees or mortgage rates."

The Seagull put it to the senior executive that the government's bank deposit guarantee effectively boosts the bottom line for the banks at the expense of the taxpayer.

"So," responded the executive. "You want us banks to fail?"

"No," replied The Seagull. "Just stop screwing over Australians."

"We're banks! It's in our DNA!"

Vatican Denies Pope Has Drug Problem

A spokesman for Pope Francis has denied that the pontiff has a drug problem, despite rumours swirling in the Vatican City and Rome around the subject.

Bergoglio-Pope-in-the-Vatican,-together-with-two-bishops-599253796_4000x2666.jpg

Rumours and anecdotes, not directly referencing Pope Francis, have been brought to the attention of The Seagull and New Idea. The rumours involve the use of cocaine and possibly the very precarious substance known as DMT.

DMT stands for Dimethyltryptamine, which is a psychedelic compound of the tryptamine family. It is usually (though not always) one of the main ingredients of the drink ayahuasca, which is used in South American shamanic practices, and can cause hallucinations and intense visuals.

The Seagull is investigating whether the Pope or members of the Vatican’s inner circle are entheogenists attempting to unlock the secrets of the universe.

These latest rumours appear after the news that Pope Francis drank a tea of coca leaves, camomile and anise seeds on the plane trip to Bolivia from Ecuador to ward off altitude sickness upon arrival at the highest international airport in the world.

Trump Has Broken Doomsday Clock, Scientists Say

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, an organisation which runs the Doomsday Clock has revealed the clock is busted and "probably beyond repair."

Doomsday_Clock-_2.5_minutes-640x353.jpg

The clock, which represents the likelihood of human-induced global catastrophe, shifted to two and a half minutes to midnight upon the inauguration of Donald Trump and the things he was saying about North Korea and climate change.

When Trump bombed Syria the clock shifted to one and a half minutes, the closest to midnight it has ever been. Then North Korea started testing ICBMs again and the clock inched to one minute. 

Now the scientists admit that the clock is stuffed because it can't make sense of anything that Donald Trump does.

"The clock works by assuming that political leaders work in the best interests of their citizens," said Dr Albert Posner. "President Trump is just batshit crazy."

World Limbo Championships To Be Held Under Montague Street Bridge

FLI, the International Limbo Federation, has announced the 2018 World Championships of Limbo will be held under the Montague Street Bridge in South Melbourne.

FLI decided that the bridge would be the perfect place to show Melburnians how to safely limbo under a horizontal object.

“Friends from Melbourne are always joking to me about this bridge,” said FLI president Camille Walcott. “We looked it up and the photos are hilarious.”

The Seagull asked whether the urban setting would conflict with the traditionally upbeat dance.

“Well, it did originate at wakes!” Ms Walcott joked. “But, hopefully, we can get approval from the authorities for a massive street festival that showcases Caribbean cultures. We know Australia loves the West Indies.”

The bridge is famous in Melbourne for constantly being hit by trucks and buses. Last month a tour bus carrying delegates to an international tourism conference smashed into the bridge, trapping passengers for over an hour.

Now the bridge has its own Twitter and Instagram handles, where the bridge notes its relief after a day of not being hit, as well as expressing sympathy for fellow bridges hit by vehicles.

BHP Builds Orphanages In Rebranding Campaign

The "Big Australian," BHP Billiton will drop the Billiton from its name and commence building orphanages across the globe.

The change is part of a rebranding campaign designed to emphasise the company's Australian roots.

Big boss dude Geoff Healy said the public had lost trust in big companies since the global financial crisis. "Reminding Australians how awesome it is to have this really big company is great. Australia is the place for big stuff, remember."

In a separate but related move, BHP will commence construction of 100 orphanages, with the majority located in South America. Healy denied this was connected to the Samarco mine disaster in Brazil, which killed 19 people and caused a shit ton of environmental damage, generating a fine of more than $5 billion.

"We're just giving back to the community. What's left of it."

Ophthalmologists Concerned About Vegans’ Eyesight

The most leading, bestest, awesomest ophthalmologist in Australia (and New Zealand) has publicly expressed his concern about the eyesight of vegans in Australia (and New Zealand).

Grocery-shopping-513394231_725x483.jpeg

Dr David Andrews, the CEO of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Ophthalmologists, or RANZCO, says everyone in Australia needs to be mindful of their eyes and the importance of their health, especially as “you can see things you otherwise wouldn’t.”

“As the CEO of the peak training body in Australia - and New Zealand - for ophthalmologists, it is my duty to educate people on the importance of eyesight,” Dr Andrews says.

“My colleagues in Australia - and New Zealand - are reporting concerning trends about their vegan patients. They no longer seem to have the ability to see grey anymore - everything to them is black and white.”

The Seagull asked Dr Andrews to elaborate on his concern. He did.

“Their ethical positions are impractical. I’m hearing stories where vegans won’t let their daughters become vaccinated with Gardasil, which is extremely effective at preventing cervical cancer, because it was tested on animals. And the same with paracetamol.”

“I totally understand their position on not drinking milk intended for baby cows and honey made from bee vomit, but not letting your kid play footy because the AFL uses leather-covered Sherrins? Come on!”

The Seagull questioned Dr Andrews as to whether vegans supposed B12 deficiency was to blame for their eyesight problems.

Said Dr Andrews: “You can just take a supplement for that. No biggie.”

 

Ivanka Trump Nominated To Be New FBI Chief

President Donald J. Trump has nominated his daughter and renowned feminist Ivanka Trump to be the next Director of the FBI.

The announcement comes less than a day since Trump fired James Comey, declaring it was "essential that we find new leadership for the FBI that restores public trust and confidence in its vital law enforcement mission."

Ostensibly, Comey was fired because of his handling of the investigation into the storing of emails on a private server by Hillary Clinton.

Previously, President Trump had praised Comey's investigation into Clinton. However soon Trump started sooking about intelligence leaks and attempted to draft Comey to rebut them in public, which he refused to do. As we know, Trumps demands loyalty and fealty like a medieval king, but it seems like this loyalty is a one-way street.

Comey also dismissed claims made by Trump that the President had been wiretapped by the Obama administration.

It is also unclear how President Trump's nomination of a jewellery retailer will restore public confidence in the FBI.