Abbreviate Everything

As a polyglot nation, Australia has particular methods and mannerisms when it comes to communication. Whether it’s speaking, writing or reading, Australians are adept at abbreviating English words to create their own language. (The technical term is diminutive.)

There is servo for service station, preggers for pregnant, pokies for poker machines. We even gave the world the word selfie. There are more than 5,000 diminutives in Australian English.

If you want to be a patriot, you need to abbreviate your words. Let these two Aussies explain:

Criticise The Elites

The great promise of democracy, as opposed to monarchies, dictatorships and communism, is the people have a say in who runs the country. Democracy is, in essence, by the people and for the people.

Of course, this concept taken to its logical extreme is absurd, so there is a little check that makes us actually a liberal-democracy, which involves having a legal system that protects every individual from the tyranny of the majority. Also, since getting everybody to discuss and vote on every single government decision would be difficult to say the least, we actually have a representative democracy, where the people choose those (by a majority vote) to make the decisions.

The people are a few steps removed from the decision-making process. There is often another layer. Some might call these people Experts.

Others call them Elites.

Elites spend many years in education, training and working to learn as much as they can in their fields, and apply that knowledge to achieve the best outcome for either the majority of citizens or vested interests that stand to benefit financially.

Elites tend to use language that is not monosyllabic and discuss complex ideas for complex problems that can have a multitude of outcomes.

If you want to be a patriot, you must criticise the Elites. You must attack the thousands of scientists who have spent thousands of collective hours investigating the greenhouse gas effect and the eventual climate change that will arise from increased pollution caused by humans.

You must criticise the national security experts who warn against stigmatising immigrant communities. You must criticise the criminology experts who warn against policing our way out of drug crime. You must criticise the Indigenous activists who mourn the celebrations of Australia Day. You must criticise the academics who create anti-bullying programs that protect all children.

These Elites are all stuffed with political correctness and can’t do no plain-speaking.

(But not ex-sportsmen who criticise current sportspeople - they know exactly what they’re talking about.)

Wear Treads

Treads are a type of shoe from the 1970s, made from car tyre and interwoven strips of nylon. They look terrible, but are extremely long-lasting.

Look, I’ll be honest: this sort of impractical, unsightly obsession with a retro trend is more suited to hipsters, but I think they won’t even go near these. Just make sure you’re drinking a stubbie so people know you're a patriot, and not taking the piss, like a hipster would.

Buy Aussie Milk

Everybody knows that dairy is good for you. Or at least, there is not much conclusive evidence that consuming cow’s milk is bad for you. Or that drinking the breast milk from another species isn’t weird.

Everybody knows that dairy farmers are True Blue Aussies. They work hard – harder than any other Australian ever to bring you fresh milk every day. And they do it out of the goodness of their hearts, not for financial reward, because that goes to big corporations like Murray Goulburn, Fonterra, Parmalat and Lion Nathan.

So what’s the patriotic thing to do? Buy Aussie milk, eat Aussie cheese, bake cakes with Aussie cream and put Aussie yoghurt on your breakfast. Also, make sure you eat about 3 serves of Aussie dairy products everyday – one for each meal! – because that’s the government’s recommended daily intake for a healthy body and what the dairy industry says! Bonus!

If you want to be a patriot you need to buy Aussie milk!

Goon Of Fortune

Goon of Fortune is an Australian drinking game played by any amount amount of individuals. It is a take-off of the TV game show Wheel of Fortune.

Goon is an Australian term for boxed wine served in a plastic bag with an air-tight valve contained within a cardboard box. It is typically cheaper than bottled wine. It is a wine favoured by teenagers, uni students and alcoholics.

Goon of Fortune was officially added to the Australian National Dictionary, which was updated in 2016, the first time for 28 years.

If you want to be a patriot, you must play Goon of Fortune.

Go To Bali

The world’s most populous Muslim nation, Indonesia, is Australia’s favourite overseas holiday destination. Of course, most of them don’t want anything to do with the Sharia stuff, so they head to island of Bali, the tourist hotspot where the predominant religion is Buddhism.

Australians go there, at a rate of 16,000 per week, to surf, to drink, to relax on the beach in the glow of the sunset. Australians are generous spenders when it comes to travelling, and Bali is no exception. The accommodation, the food and drinks and bootleg shirts are so cheap, so it is easy to understand why more than a million Aussies go there ever year.

Australians work hard and deserve to have a holiday. If you want to be a patriot, and live like a king or queen, you need to go to Bali.

Southern Cross Tattoo

The Southern Cross is the common name for the Crux constellation which is located in the southern hemisphere of Earth. Australians uses the Southern Cross as a cultural symbol in many guises, mostly in the form of flags. More recently, the Southern Cross has become the tats du jour for bogans in Australia.

Though the Crux is visible from more than 50 countries and sits upon the flags of New Zealand, Brazil, Papua New Guinea and Samoa, Australians have claimed the set of five stars as their own. There is now a necessity to prove one's nationalism by staining one’s skin with the Crux. Furthermore, the Southern Cross Tattoo, also know as the Aussie Swazie, is sometimes adorned with phrases such as ‘Fuck off, we’re full,’ and ‘If you don’t love it, leave.’

If you want to be a patriot, you need to get a Southern Cross Tattoo.

G-dropping

G-dropping is a feature of English-language speakers whereby the -ing sound of words is replaced with an -in sound. Technically, no sound is dropped, but rather the velar nasal is replaced with the alveolar nasal. We’re not going to explain what that means.

Despite originating with the upper-class landed gentry with the phrase huntin’, shootin’ and fishin’, as well as being used by some poet dude named Jonathan Swift, G-dropping has been appropriated by the working class. Presumably they spend all their leisure time now hunting, shooting and fishing while the upper-class trade stocks and buy properties.

If you want to be a patriot you gotta drop the G.

Wear A Cork Hat

These days in Australia it’s unlikely you’ll see a cork hat. (What?) You’re more likely to see a snap back than a cork hat. Perhaps you’ll see a Greg Chappell broad brim hat (What?), or perhaps some kids wearing a legionnaires cap (What?). The times they are a-changin’.

A cork hat is a broad brim hat, or slouch hat, with corks having from strings tied to the edges. The corks’ low density means the hat’s weight barely increases. Science!

Basically, the cork hat represents the symbolical, mythological or stereotypical Aussie, or rocker or bogan, i.e. Patriot.

If you want to be a patriot, try wearing a cork hat.