Fly The Flag Of Australia

The Australian National Flag was chosen in a competition after Federation and first flown in Melbourne in September 1901.


Since then, it’s sorta been used to represent Australia – the military did fight under the British flag in World War I. And sure, a quarter of the Australian flag belongs to the United Kingdom, and the other main feature is a bunch of stars that anyone in the southern hemisphere can see, and 21 other nations use the same three colours for their flags, but it's ours!

There are many ways to honour for the Flag of Australia. The Flag must not be flown at night except when illuminated, nor should it be flown upside down, or be presented when faded, damaged or dilapidated. So wearing the Flag as a pattern on a pair of brand new silk boxers is quite acceptable, as long as it’s during the day.

Also, make sure you wear as many versions as possible, be they fake tattoos, earrings, stickers, mini flags, large flags and neckties, especially on Australia Day. Especially if you are going to a music festival, like the Big Day Out - don’t let the narcs stop your patriotism!


Support The British Monarchy

European settlement of Australia began in 1788 after the eastern half was claimed by the British Empire in 1770. Eventually, Britain claimed the whole island and six self-governing colonies were established. These colonies federated in 1901 to form the Commonwealth of Australia, a representative democracy under a constitutional monarchy. The monarch of Australia is the Head of State of Australia. The monarch of Australia is the monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. The monarch of Australia is currently Queen Elizabeth II.

Australia had a lengthy debate during the 1990s which culminated in the Australia Republic Referendum of 6 November, 1999. A majority of Australians voted against the proposal to replace the British Monarch and the Governor-General with a President. Despite the leader of the Australian Republican Movement at the time of the referendum, Malcolm Turnbull, now being the Prime Minister of Australia, there is diddly-squat chance of there being another referendum anytime soon.


In 1998, support for the British monarchy had reached it’s nadir, with only 34% in favour of retaining the status quo. However, by 2013, that figure had grown to 47%. Babies generally make people happy (for a while) and the birth of Prince William’s son George and his daughter Charlotte by his wife Kate has made Australians happy with a white foreigner being their Head of State.

If you want to be a patriot you need to support the British monarchy. Just make sure you cheer for Australia in the cricket and rugby.


There is a tradition in Australia of teenaged school leavers getting extremely drunk and partying hard once they finish their final school exams in Year 12. It is called Schoolies and it is considered by some to be a rite of passage for young Australians. Indeed, the Official National Schoolies Week website says: "The most-enduring Schoolies-week tradition is the first run down the beach and dive into the ocean after school is finished forever. That plunge of freedom is the essence of freedom which Schoolies symbolises.”

Schoolies symbolises freedom in Australia. This freedom party usually takes place by the sea in places like Surfer’s Paradise, Byron Bay, Airlie Beach, Victor Harbour, Rottnest Island and Lorne.

Obviously, when teenagers get drunk and take drugs a lot of dumb shit can happen. But doing dumb shit is a way of life in Australia.

If you want to be a patriot, you need to get wasted at Schoolies. (Though if you are not a school leaver you will be a creepy older Toolie, a person known for preying on drunk teenagers.)

Draw A Dick On Your Electoral Ballot

Australians’ faith in politics has been slowly but surely eroding, hitting its lowest mark since 1993. Many look back at the halcyon days of John Howard’s Prime Ministership. They seem to think that Howard is Australia’s great prime minister since Sir Robert Menzies, as if career longevity is the hallmark of greatness; in that case, Sam Newman would have to be one of the greatest sports presenters in the history of television.


Many are also quick to forget the policy changes (backflips, flip-flops, lies - call them what you will) that Howard instituted whilst in government. Who can forget (most Australians, apparently) Howard’s “non-core promise” to not cut health and education spending in 1996 no matter that state of the Federal budget. There was also his promise lie to “never ever” introduce a GST. So, before you revel in the memory of the Howard years, just remember he was a politician like all the rest and has consistently lied and contributed to Australians’ distrust of politicians.

Now, nobody can deny that since 2007, Australian politics has become unstable. In both the Liberal Party and the Labor Party there have been four changes of the leader. In the last four years alone there have been four different prime ministers and four different treasurers. How much should Australians really care about politics since politicians constantly change their mind, fail to compromise on just about everything, and only care about the blood sport of political combat itself?

How do Australians respond to politicians disrespecting their votes at the ballot box? They return the favour by disrespecting the process by drawing a dick on their ballot.

Drawing a dick on your ballot is a growing choice for many Australians. At the time of the Federal election in 2016, there were numerous news articles discussing the merits of drawing penises of ballot papers. Social researcher Dr Lauren Rosewarne theorises that the drawing of a dick is a legitimate - if juvenile - statement of “Fuck you” to politicians and the political system itself. Indeed, you only need to look at the success of Donald Trump last year to understand how furious ordinary people are at the political establishment.

So, if you feel underwhelmed by the current state of Australian politics, then you should feel no sense of shame by drawing a dick. And you won’t be alone - the 2016 election had the lowest amount of formal votes since voting became compulsory in 1925.

So, drawing a dick is how to be a patriot.

Abbreviate Everything

As a polyglot nation, Australia has particular methods and mannerisms when it comes to communication. Whether it’s speaking, writing or reading, Australians are adept at abbreviating English words to create their own language. (The technical term is diminutive.)

There is servo for service station, preggers for pregnant, pokies for poker machines. We even gave the world the word selfie. There are more than 5,000 diminutives in Australian English.

If you want to be a patriot, you need to abbreviate your words. Let these two Aussies explain:

Criticise The Elites

The great promise of democracy, as opposed to monarchies, dictatorships and communism, is the people have a say in who runs the country. Democracy is, in essence, by the people and for the people.

Of course, this concept taken to its logical extreme is absurd, so there is a little check that makes us actually a liberal-democracy, which involves having a legal system that protects every individual from the tyranny of the majority. Also, since getting everybody to discuss and vote on every single government decision would be difficult to say the least, we actually have a representative democracy, where the people choose those (by a majority vote) to make the decisions.

The people are a few steps removed from the decision-making process. There is often another layer. Some might call these people Experts.

Others call them Elites.

Elites spend many years in education, training and working to learn as much as they can in their fields, and apply that knowledge to achieve the best outcome for either the majority of citizens or vested interests that stand to benefit financially.

Elites tend to use language that is not monosyllabic and discuss complex ideas for complex problems that can have a multitude of outcomes.

If you want to be a patriot, you must criticise the Elites. You must attack the thousands of scientists who have spent thousands of collective hours investigating the greenhouse gas effect and the eventual climate change that will arise from increased pollution caused by humans.

You must criticise the national security experts who warn against stigmatising immigrant communities. You must criticise the criminology experts who warn against policing our way out of drug crime. You must criticise the Indigenous activists who mourn the celebrations of Australia Day. You must criticise the academics who create anti-bullying programs that protect all children.

These Elites are all stuffed with political correctness and can’t do no plain-speaking.

(But not ex-sportsmen who criticise current sportspeople - they know exactly what they’re talking about.)

Wear Treads

Treads are a type of shoe from the 1970s, made from car tyre and interwoven strips of nylon. They look terrible, but are extremely long-lasting.

Look, I’ll be honest: this sort of impractical, unsightly obsession with a retro trend is more suited to hipsters, but I think they won’t even go near these. Just make sure you’re drinking a stubbie so people know you're a patriot, and not taking the piss, like a hipster would.

Buy Aussie Milk

Everybody knows that dairy is good for you. Or at least, there is not much conclusive evidence that consuming cow’s milk is bad for you. Or that drinking the breast milk from another species isn’t weird.

Everybody knows that dairy farmers are True Blue Aussies. They work hard – harder than any other Australian ever to bring you fresh milk every day. And they do it out of the goodness of their hearts, not for financial reward, because that goes to big corporations like Murray Goulburn, Fonterra, Parmalat and Lion Nathan.

So what’s the patriotic thing to do? Buy Aussie milk, eat Aussie cheese, bake cakes with Aussie cream and put Aussie yoghurt on your breakfast. Also, make sure you eat about 3 serves of Aussie dairy products everyday – one for each meal! – because that’s the government’s recommended daily intake for a healthy body and what the dairy industry says! Bonus!

If you want to be a patriot you need to buy Aussie milk!

Goon Of Fortune

Goon of Fortune is an Australian drinking game played by any amount amount of individuals. It is a take-off of the TV game show Wheel of Fortune.

Goon is an Australian term for boxed wine served in a plastic bag with an air-tight valve contained within a cardboard box. It is typically cheaper than bottled wine. It is a wine favoured by teenagers, uni students and alcoholics.

Goon of Fortune was officially added to the Australian National Dictionary, which was updated in 2016, the first time for 28 years.

If you want to be a patriot, you must play Goon of Fortune.

Go To Bali

The world’s most populous Muslim nation, Indonesia, is Australia’s favourite overseas holiday destination. Of course, most of them don’t want anything to do with the Sharia stuff, so they head to island of Bali, the tourist hotspot where the predominant religion is Buddhism.

Australians go there, at a rate of 16,000 per week, to surf, to drink, to relax on the beach in the glow of the sunset. Australians are generous spenders when it comes to travelling, and Bali is no exception. The accommodation, the food and drinks and bootleg shirts are so cheap, so it is easy to understand why more than a million Aussies go there ever year.

Australians work hard and deserve to have a holiday. If you want to be a patriot, and live like a king or queen, you need to go to Bali.

Southern Cross Tattoo

The Southern Cross is the common name for the Crux constellation which is located in the southern hemisphere of Earth. Australians uses the Southern Cross as a cultural symbol in many guises, mostly in the form of flags. More recently, the Southern Cross has become the tats du jour for bogans in Australia.

Though the Crux is visible from more than 50 countries and sits upon the flags of New Zealand, Brazil, Papua New Guinea and Samoa, Australians have claimed the set of five stars as their own. There is now a necessity to prove one's nationalism by staining one’s skin with the Crux. Furthermore, the Southern Cross Tattoo, also know as the Aussie Swazie, is sometimes adorned with phrases such as ‘Fuck off, we’re full,’ and ‘If you don’t love it, leave.’

If you want to be a patriot, you need to get a Southern Cross Tattoo.


G-dropping is a feature of English-language speakers whereby the -ing sound of words is replaced with an -in sound. Technically, no sound is dropped, but rather the velar nasal is replaced with the alveolar nasal. We’re not going to explain what that means.

Despite originating with the upper-class landed gentry with the phrase huntin’, shootin’ and fishin’, as well as being used by some poet dude named Jonathan Swift, G-dropping has been appropriated by the working class. Presumably they spend all their leisure time now hunting, shooting and fishing while the upper-class trade stocks and buy properties.

If you want to be a patriot you gotta drop the G.

Wear A Cork Hat

These days in Australia it’s unlikely you’ll see a cork hat. (What?) You’re more likely to see a snap back than a cork hat. Perhaps you’ll see a Greg Chappell broad brim hat (What?), or perhaps some kids wearing a legionnaires cap (What?). The times they are a-changin’.

A cork hat is a broad brim hat, or slouch hat, with corks having from strings tied to the edges. The corks’ low density means the hat’s weight barely increases. Science!

Basically, the cork hat represents the symbolical, mythological or stereotypical Aussie, or rocker or bogan, i.e. Patriot.

If you want to be a patriot, try wearing a cork hat.